by stormraige23 - 3 years ago     show comments

Quilboar are the most broken thing to ever enter the battlegrounds.

Even worse? I love them.

I know. I know. Hey I HEARD YOU. I get it. “They’re meta warping.” “They’re the only viable comp in Battlegrounds.” “How did they ever get passed Q/A.” “It’s just dumb.”

I don’t care. I still love them. I know they’re getting nerfed so I wanted to share my love before they lost their time in the spotlight. So I decided to ask some questions to get to know the quilboar a little bit better.

Razorfen Geomancer: You are the start of something new. A glimmer of hope. A 4/2 on turn one? Say no more! I’ll take three! Pardon me though… I apologize if this is rude… How do rocks make blood gems? Rocks don’t… they don’t bleed? Right? Do you squeeze them to get their rock juices?

Sun-Bacon Relaxer: How does one relax as much as the sun-bacon relaxer? Truly a shining example of us all. Will you taste as good after you’re eaten? Is that too dark to think about? THEN WHY DID YOU MAKE ME THINK ABOUT IT BLIZZARD?!

Roadboar: Tenacious D put it best. “The road is F****** hard, the road is F******* tough-ah.” Yet you continue on. You and your Junkrat *cough* errmmm Jack Rabbit are an inspiration to us all.

Tough Tusk: How did your tusks get so tough? What journey’s did you go through? Did they used to be soft tusks? How did you change that? Was there a blue little pill or just good old fashion hard work?

Prophet of the Boar: Ahhh you boaring prophet. *which I stole from my cohost OlTeddo.* You could’ve been a prophet for a great many things. A prophet of the old gods was too cruel for you. A prophet of the burning legion too… hot… but boars? That was just right.

Bristleback Brute: It’s so small… a nice little boi… HOW DID YOU GET SO BIG?! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?! Woah… that’s just… obscene. Can you see how big they’ve gotten? When does this madness end. Why do you get so big from blood gems?? Where do you put them??

Bannerboar: How do your banners make blood gems dear quilboar? Are they filled with blood? That’s gross. Are they magic? That’s cool… but also… ew.

Thorncaller: She who calls upon the thorn shall reap the greatest of benefits. From thorns…. to… more thorns. But through these thorns they shall receive…. more thorns?! Really? I’m just confused by you. Are thorns ideal or awful? I mean I don’t like thorns because… ouch… is that the point?

Necrolyte: Ahh the sugar free sister of the Necro-full. How do you steal such blood?… Are you Dracula? My Glyph guardian has all my blood gems… but it doesn’t REALLY need them thank you for fixing that. You served your purpose and now you’re done… goodbye for now dear friend. I hope I never see you again.

Dynamic Duo: How did you get so cute? WHY ARE YOU SO BIG?! You grow and grow and grow… how do you manage to steal those blood gems? Which one of you two does it? Is it the smaller one? How come the other quilboar still get those bloodgems? Do you split them in half? How does any of this work? ALSO WHY ARE YOU SO BIG?! WHAT HAPPENED? Well as long as Bloodgems are hard to find you won’t be too scary.

Bonker: Well… F***. This is bonkers.

Groundshaker: We cannot get out. The ground shakers have taken the bridge and the Second Hall. We cannot get out. The end comes soon. We hear drums, drums in the deep. They are coming.

Bristleback Knight: Why are there so many bristles on your back? Are you proud of them? Can you see them during the day or only at…. I’ll take my leave now.

Aggem Thorncurse: Thorncaller… or Thorncurse… I’m very confused as to which is the good one. Why are you not Thorncursed?! DO YOU ACTIVELY CURSE?! If so what is your favorite curse? Is it F***? because that’s mine.

Agamaggan, the Great Boar: Ahh great… another boar. Hold up… wait a minute.. slight tangent. This card makes no sense. In WoW Lore this thing is a LITERAL GOD! Why is he only a tier five minion? It’s like having Cenarious as a tier five minion… Stop that! Also the boar is pretty anti most of the quilboar that follow him, at least the violent ones. This boar is so chill and cool at all times… so like… why is he here? Could you not find another quilboar to do this? Why have you reverted him so?? Just let the sweet boar be dead in peace.

Charlga: How did you get your name Charlga? Did someone call you Charly but started gagging halfway through? How did you get so many blood gems? Why do you give them out so freely? Are there more Quilboar like you? Do you just want peace. I hope so. Make love, not Warcraft.

Captain Flat Tusk: How did your Tusk get so flat? Was it an accident? Is it a point of pride? If I were a quilboar would I be “Captain Round Head?” Is flat always better? How do you keep getting blood gems? Do you buy them? Does that mean my money doesn’t go to Bob? It goes to you? Wait where do I get money? IS THIS ALL A FACADE FOR CAPITALISM AND ITS MAJOR FAULTS?! No… probably not. It’s just a children’s card game.